I have no idea what I’m doing.

I have no idea what I’m doing. There, I said it. It’s about time somebody did. It’s like I turned around and somebody had given me a job, a house, a car, and a lot of bills to pay. I’m honestly not even sure how I got to the place I am today. I feel like I spend a lot of time in life wondering what the heck I am doing. Where do I see myself in 5 years? Hopefully not still hooked on spaghetti-os and Gilmore Girls because in 5 years I will be 33 years old. We all know 33 year olds have their lives together. They probably have well thought out meals ready to prepare for each night of the week and watch only the news or tv shows that enhance them intellectually. Most of them are probably raising children and sharing the highlights on social media while I do good to keep my dog fed and groomed. I’m here to shatter that image we all strive for, and just be honest with you guys. Hopefully some of you will comment below and share your thoughts, and if some of you really have adulating down pat….well, good for you. Comment with some tips for the rest of us out here wondering what the heck is going on.

My work environment is constantly changing so it feels like some days I go in, there is an entirely new system to learn, and I just think oh my gosh, why did they hire me? I don’t know if I will ever learn this. Now eventually I do, but then something else changes and such is life. It just reminds me of how much older I am getting when I see my nephew learn how to open his ipad and pull up the video he wants to watch (he’s three), and I have trouble switching cell phones. Is it possible that we can become dinosaurs of technology before the age of thirty? I find myself resisting technology changes as much as I can at home. I refuse to upgrade my phone again, I refuse to learn a new remote, etc.

When it comes to being a home owner, well that’s a whole adventure in itself. When something breaks I usually try to do without it until absolutely necessary. As a home owner and vehicle owner you have to keep up with things like changing air filters in the house and getting your oil changed. Then come the bills… remember to pay the insurance, the car payment, the mortgage, and the taxes. I mean good grief, adulting is exhausting.

I can not imagine raising a small child like my friends and family are doing right now. I do good to get myself out of bed on Saturday morning as it is. Some days just thinking about the week ahead makes me want to take another nap. You have to keep up with people’s birthdays, holidays, baby showers, wedding showers, doctor appointments, dentist appointments, and so much more. If you sit down and think about it, the lives we live are so overwhelming and exhausting. BUT NOBODY SAYS IT OUT LOUD. So people like me sit around and go, gosh, I’m almost thirty and I have no idea how I got here or what is to come. I feel like I should because everyone else seems to know whats going on. They seem to think life is the easiest thing in the world. Work, kids, school, working out, eating healthy, having a social life, and then they come out to the grocery store with their hair and makeup done. I mean how???? What’s the secret???? I don’t even put on real pants to grocery shop anymore. Yep, that’s me in isle 4 buying frozen dinners for one in my jogging pants. Feel free to judge me because I really don’t care. I’m doing the best I can.

My cousin Jennifer and I were recently talking and this topic came up. I asked her if she ever felt like she’d be 50 years old and be afraid she’d look back and think, what the heck was I even doing? Is life something so unpredictable that you never really get to feel like you have a grasp on things, or is there a secret that nobody has told me to feeling 100% in control of your decisions and consequences? Does everybody else have it all figured out? When did I even become an adult, and why wasn’t there a test or something to validate that change?  Is there a way to truly be sure in all of your decisions or is everybody else just out there faking it too? Let’s be honest with each other. I never got out of my pajamas yesterday, ate spaghetti-os for dinner, and felt absolutely no shame about it because I got two loads of laundry done and did the dishes all in the same day. (It’s the little things.) I think its a pretty good day if 1 out of 3 of my daily meals didn’t come out of the freezer or a can. I think I’m accomplished if my bed is made and my towel is hung up before I run out the door in the morning. I’m trying to downsize the amount of unnecessary things in my home right now, so I currently lose everything. All the time. It’s exhausting in itself.

Don’t take this post wrong. I absolutely love life. It’s exciting and fun and every day is new, but some days I just wish I felt like I had a better grip on it. Or maybe I just wish that I didn’t feel like the only person treading water while everyone else is doing flips and dives into the pool. Maybe it will always be this way, or maybe I’ll wake up a few years from now and think I finally figured it out. I’m trying to have peace about it either way, but being in your 20s is hard sometimes. There are so many decisions to make that effect the rest of your life.

To all my readers that feel like your in the same boat, just know you’re not alone. That’s what the blogging community is about. You can read something or follow a blog and think holy crap, me too. Me too.


I’m grateful for….

I for one spend too much time thinking about the future and not near enough time being appreciative of the moment of life that I am currently in. I encourage you to join me on my journey of making a list once a week of ten things I’m grateful for that week. You don’t have to write it down or share it with anybody. It doesn’t have to be thought provoking or deep. It can be anything. Just take a few minutes of your day to reflect on all the blessings around you. My ten for this week are:

1. I love having too many books. I never know what I might be in the mood to read, and the thought of not having anything new to read freaks me out.

2. I’m thankful to have a God that loves me regardless of my mistakes and failures. I’m also thankful to have a home church that encourages me to grow closer to the Lord and my peers.

3. I love walking in the door and seeing that my dog is just as excited to see me as I am him. 

4. I love having a 3 year old nephew. His heart is honest and kind. Being around him brings joy to my life. 

5. I’m so blessed to say that I have 3 grandparents that are all in good health, and I have such an incredible bond with each of them. 

6. Gilmore Girls. Enough said. 

7. I consider myself lucky to have a home where I can have quiet time. Whether that be to write, read, or draw. It keeps me sane.

8. I went to a pumpkin patch today for the first time so it’s safe to say I wish I could wander around one for hours looking at the different colors and sizes. 

9. My bed. It’s my safe place. 

10. and last but not least… I am thankful for coffee. It warms me up spiritually.